The following table shows typical age-related reactions that children might have to their parents’ break-up. The age bands are not fixed and children can respond in different ways.
Remember – there’s no such thing as a typical child.
Age reactions
- Crying, clinging, irritability.
How to help
- Be consistent with your care for your child – be patient with them.
Age reactions
- Behaving younger than they are.
- Complaining of mysterious pains and being in distress.
- Aggressive, defiant, argumentative, attention-seeking.
- Being clingy and possessive.
- Not sleeping well.
- Blaming themselves and worrying about being abandoned or sent away.
How to help
- Try to maintain routines (especially at bedtime) to help your child feel more secure.
- If you are the main carer try not to be away for long periods as this may make them feel insecure.
- Reassure your child that the split is nothing to do with anything they have done and that both parents still love them.
- Tell their nursery or school about the situation and any changes.
Age reactions
- Feelings of loss, rejection, guilt.
- Feeling disloyal to the parent they do not live with and showing concern and longing for them.
- Feeling disloyal to the parents they live with when they see their other parent.
- Behaving younger than they are.
- Crying.
- Being sensible, appearing to cope well and being composed.
- Thinking it is their fault.
How to help
- Explain the reasons for any changes to their lives.
- Avoid being angry.
- Reassure them that they are loved, it is not their fault and that it is ok to be upset.
- Tell their school about the situation and any changes.
Age reactions
- Taking sides with one parent.
- Crying.
- Appearing to want to grow up too quickly or behaving like your parent or a replacement partner.
- Behaving like another adult perhaps a brother or sister rather than a child.
How to help
- Assure them that you will continue to care and look after them.
- Be positive about the other parent.
- Avoid arguing in front of them.
- Tell their school about the situation and any changes to it.
- Encourage them to mix with their friends.
Age reactions
- Any of the previous reactions.
- Avoiding their own feelings by distancing themselves.
- Showing contempt to one or both parents.
- Acting more independent than they should be or need to be.
- Having discipline problems at home or at school.
How to help
- Give them space to discuss their feelings.
- Make sure you do not rely on them to give you emotional support.
- Allow friends to visit them at both homes.
Age reactions
- Showing extreme attitudes in their own relationships.
- Losing confidence and distancing themselves.
How to help
- Be honest about what happened and provide hope for the future. Just because it hasn’t worked for you, it doesn’t mean their relationships will fail.
